When I was younger I suffered from depression. They said it was due to the fact I was going through puberty. Then when I was 19 i was diagnosed again with depression, they put me on medication and told me to see a psychiatrist. Seeing someone and opening up about myself was hard. When i knew that every word i spoke they would be analysing. Every word would have another meaning so i found myself not truly being able to open up. The meds, well they numbed me. They didn't get to the source of why my anxiety levels were sky rocket, they didn't de-stress me. They did however stop the tears every night. However i was not able to laugh see humor feel emotions. So i took myself off them. I was fine for a little while. Around about this time my father was diagnosed with Bipolar. Some people think its a sham but living with him and seeing his emotions go from one extreme to the next. See the meds effect his personality got to me. Now I am with a guy who has type one diabetes ( yes the bad one ), and well his emotions are on par with my dads.
Now im 21. Now i feel exactly how i felt when I was 15, and again when i was 19. I am crying at everything. I argue with everyone and hate everything. I feel like a sulky teenager complaining that it rains, that i have to wake up. But really its not that, im contemplating having my tubes tied because I do not want to go through anymore pain. I cant take the pain. No one can comprehend the pain I am in.
Everything around me doesn't make me happy, nothing is going right. I just blew up again at my boyf. I screamed at him telling him he was the worst mistake ive ever made. That he is a waste of space and buying a house with him and deciding to build a life with him was ridiculous ! Hes right now in living room whilst i sit here on the bed. Hes tried to come in and make conversation, but to be honest i cant look at him. I dont even want to talk to him. I want to scream at him !
I know its not fair and its not his fault, but hes who i take my outlet on. Its so hard. Especially when now i cant take certain medication due to my hormones and acid in my body. All I keep doing is saying breathe. Breathe, something so simple as that.
Last night, he told the kids to come in and see me and play a few games. It cheered me up but after about two games i found i was feeling as if someone was suffacting me. I couldnt breathe and i had to leave them. Its a hard thing to explain when your not going through it yourself. But i can say its not an overreaction. Its an unhappiness with how things are. My problem is i keep the little things in until its a massive thing .
He said last night that i have to see my problems as a bridge and just let the water flow through. My retaliation was that there are that many bridges at this current moment that the dam is about to break! He laughed, and even that little thing annoyed me.
If anyone has any tips, anything at all please tell me. I will post them up ..
Have good night guys.
